Confidence Killers you need to get rid of!
Happy International Women’s Day - and not let’s get to work! Not to be a spoilsport, but we still have a lot of work to do. Much has been said about glass ceilings and pay gaps, and it’s important to work on those massive global issues. But as with everything else, real change starts within ourselves. So let’s start there.
“Men and women rated a female CEO who talked more than others. The result? Both sexes viewed this woman less competent and less suited to leadership than a male CEO - who talked for the same amount of time.”
Evidence shows that women are less self-confident than men. But why is this? These are some the most common confidence killers where we can start to work on. Which ones apply to you?
Perfectionism – studies confirm that this is largely women’s issue. We don’t answer questions unless we are 100 % sure of the answer. We don’t apply for the job unless we meet 100 % of the qualifications – men apply when they meet 60 %.
Assuming blame: When things go wrong, women are more likely to say it’s because they aren’t good enough. Men are much more likely to say it’s because the assignment was too hard.
Self-deprecation: Women talk themselves and their achievements down more than men. We do this when we want to be perceived more likable or to fit in. But by not raising your hand (or your voice) when we have something to say we also stay invisible. Hard work doesn’t pay off unless you tell someone about it or your achievements are visible!
Avoiding risks: Risk-taking and failure are essential for building confidence. Playing sports is one of the best confidence builders. But many girls drop off sports teams when they reach adolescence: They lose confidence, so they stop competing. But that’s exactly what they would need to regain it.
Need to please: According to a Yale study, the more senior a woman is, the more effort she makes to play down her talkativeness – this is the reverse of how men handle power. When asked why, the women answered they didn’t want to be disliked. Shockingly, in another Yale experiment, men and women rated a female CEO who talked more than others. The result? Both sexes viewed this woman less competent and LESS SUITED TO LEADERSHIP than and male CEO who talked for the same amount of time.
Pretty horrible, isn’t it? So what can we do to turn things around?
First of all, check your attitude! Are you using different metrics for judging different genders? Are you likely to think, even secretly, that an assertive woman is being a bitch but an assertive male is just being a strong-willed man?
I sometimes catch myself thinking that when I talk a lot or express my feelings (I laugh A LOT), others might think less of me, that I’m not “boss material”. Funnily, I never think of other women this way, only about myself. But it’s still an issue I need to work on.
We still have a lot of work to do: If a talkative and assertive man is perceived as competent, the same should apply to a woman. Or to any gender. Different genders, same merits and metrics. That, to me, is a sign of equality.
As a performance skills coach, I come across a lot of confidence issues. And here’s my best advice:
If you want to be more confident, stop being so damn eager to please!
Start from there. You are amazing. ❤️