Stop self-deprecation for good - the 3 dangerous symptoms and how to get rid of them

It was just another day at work.

A million things to do, an event to organize, press materials to write. Lots of coffee, brain buzzing, no time for lunch kind of day. And then I tried to stand up and almost fainted. I couldn’t breathe.

This is the exact moment when I my life changed.

In this moment I realized I was doing the wrong things. I was keeping myself busy with stuff I wasn’t that good at. I had drifted to this position because I’d thought this is what an expert my age SHOULD want to be doing: working towards a leadership position in a reputable company. A safe job with a good title and a nice paycheck.

But. I didn’t actually like what I was doing. I didn’t want to be a director. At least not in this kind of job. The problem was, I had been an account director in communications agencies for so long, that I thought there was nothing else out there for me.

I had to figure out what I was good at – quickly! I was trained in theatre, had worked as a news journalist, film reporter, IT consultant, sandwich maker, booze promoter, nightclub promoter and what have you – there MUST be something I liked and was good at!

And then it clicked. Self-deprecation. That’s is what I suffered from.

I DID know what I liked and what I was good at – but I hadn’t been HONEST with myself or with my boss! The problem was ME. Not my boss, not my title, not my work. Me. I suffered from self-deprecation.

From then on, my mission has been to stop self-deprecation. I coach people in authentic communication so that they could realize their full potential and be able to show it, talk about it, prove it - and make an impact. No more bull-shitting themselves or their bosses. The moment you realize your self-deprecating habits, you’ll change.

The steps towards change:

Belief #1: You believe promoting your skills makes you vain and dislikable

This one is typical especially for us women. We are so eager to please and want to be liked, that we don’t want to promote ourselves in case it makes us look bad. Overall, we are far too interested in what others think of us!

One symptom of this belief is that we think “hard work will pay off and will get noticed.” Sorry to say but it won’t! Hard work pays off only when you make it visible! No one knows how great you are if you keep your head down and don’t share your wins.

How to get rid of it:

1.     Care less about others. This should become your mantra.

2.     Make your work and achievements visible. Remember: hard work doesn’t pay off unless YOU make it visible.

3.     Celebrate your wins! Celebrate when you achieve something you are proud of. Like an email to a prospective employer or a client you’d like to work with.

4.     Make others’ work visible! If you have a friend or a colleague who suffers from self-deprecation, you can be the one that shines a light on their achievements! You’ll make them look good and you’ll feel good afterwards. Its’ a win-win!

This is the first step in getting rid of your dangerous self-deprecating habits.

Belief #2: Fear of jealousy – or feeling jealous 

Think about all those times you feel jealous. Who are you jealous of? What makes you jealous of them? Pay attention to your answer as your feeling is a message. Your jealousy is trying to tell you something. It’s very likely that you are jealous of a person who has the skills or qualities that you’d like more of for yourself. The same goes for the fear that someone could be jealous of you. Right now, you can be CERTAIN someone IS already jealous of you! If you’re worried that by making your achievements more visible someone somewhere will sometime feel jealousy towards you, you’re never getting to the level where you’d like to be (if your goal is to succeed, that is).

How to get rid of it?

1.     Imitate! Do what the person you’re jealous of would do. What makes them successful? Who do you have to become? What new skills do you need? What can you learn from them? Jealousy can be a positive driving force if you learn to use it for your improvement, not for feeling sad and depressed.

2.     Show others what’s behind your success. By sharing advice and your skills with those who already look up to you, you can be a positive changemaker in their lives. If you’re successful in something, show how you got there. You’ll enjoy seeing others succeed and they’ll thank you for it.

3.     Remember that jealousy is always a message. Use it to your advantage.

Belief #3: Imposter Syndrome

Say hello to the most widely spread symptom of self-deprecation! If you’ve ever uttered these sentences, you know what I’m talking about:

“I’m not ready yet!” “I don’t have enough experience!” “Simon in marketing is more experienced, ask him.” “Me?! Who’d like to hear ME talk about this?!” “I’m sure they’ll notice soon I can’t actually do this.”

Self-deprecation plus imposter syndrome makes a great couple. This kind of person doesn’t trust his skills, even though deep down he KNOWS he’s good. He’d love to share his knowledge and skills with others but doesn’t have the confidence.

 A person with imposter symdrome graves for external acknowledgment and confirmation for his skils. He wants people to tell him he’s great and trusted. But at the same time he’s suspicious: what if they only SAY I’m great but I’m not?

How to get rid of it:

1.     Just STOP it! This is as clear as it gets. Just stop it. If you feel you’re not good enough today, what makes you sure you’ll be any better tomorrow? This is why it’s imperative you stop waiting for the perfect moment to start something or make that speech or raise your hand in that big meeting. Why wait for a better time that may never come?!

2.     Do the one thing you’re most scared of. If you’ve always dreamt of speaking on stage or presenting in front of the board, do it. You’ll gain more confidence each time you do this. Even if it scares the hell out of you, this is exactly where you should start.

And my best advice ever?

Do it anyway! My best advice for everything. I live by this rule. Even if you’re not ready, even if you’re not 110% certain, do it anyway! You will not only survive but you will thrive! You’ll see. You can thank me later. 

What do you think? Do you suffer from self-deprecation? What problems have you had with the wrong beliefs? I want to hear your experiences, let’s discuss them below.

Lots of love!

Marjo